The Back Catalogue

Through the years, it has become common practice for many of the acts signed to the Purple Puke label to record, more or less, every last bit of “art” they deemed worthy of recording. Some of it is damn good (Föetal Demise’s The First Officially Sanctioned Jam and The Live Double Album), some of it borders on decent (Föetal Demise’s The Spoken Word Album), while the rest of it stinks to high he’ven (Labor Day in Williamstown) — though, in truth, only in terms of fidelity; the content itself is gut-busting hilarious.

So, the succeeding releases have not and certainly will not achieve mass distribution.

For one, the technology at the time was, shall we say, less than stellar:

The infamous Mobile Unit One was put into action, as well as Mobile Unit Two (Mobile Unit Two was [and continues to be] Ian’s big-ass cassette radio. It was never alluded to as such [Unit Two, that is] but will be from this point on). As for Mobile Unit Five, which has been virtually unheard of before the advent of this sentence, it was a distant cousin of Mobile Unit One, seeing how Ed (owner of Mobile Unit One) and Chris bought the same radio: a dinky little Hitachi AM/FM radio with cassette recorder. And it’s believed that the engineer who recorded Drunken NYC used a hand-held device similar to the one last seen in Maggie Mahar’s office at Barron’s... That doesn’t mean anything, does it? No, of course not.

The point being, the equipment used was lo-fi to begin with.

Also, a great deal of the material on these releases is not music. That’s right; instead, you can listen in on behind-the-scenes banter, everyday life, and the overall idiocy that spawned the original idea of recording these moments in time.

Listed below are the lot of back-catalog recordings; click on them to vault down to their corresponding tracklists, as well as amusing anecdotes about their existence:

March of the Wooden Rhino Weenie Drunken NYC The Suck Sessions We’re Föetal Demise... And We Suck! The Ed Album Chris Woods Is 30 Malachy, Ph.d (Dr. Mal) The First Officially Sanctioned Jam

The Live Double Album Woods Bros. Magical Jump-Jive Revue The Spoken Word Album The F.d. Demo Spiro Agnew, Ed! Chris Gets Married Labor Day in Williamstown Live at Great Adventure

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March of the Wooden Rhino Weenie
This here record was a tribute album — a tribute to Ian for managing to survive four years of insanity as a student at The Cooper Union. Among the record’s featured guests are Ed Headley and Lance McGillicutty, a sort of blatantly homosexual duo obviously well-steeped in the love songs of Air Supply.

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Spiro Agnew, Ed!
The second musical manifestation of the Pudtug beast.

This time around, all minds were on fellow Purple Puke Music labelmate the Ed, for making it through five years of accounting madness at Pace University. Also, it would appear the band could not sing enough about genital excretions.

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The Ed Album
To put it simply: The Ed went postal.

The material on this recording will warp your tiny little mind, bitch. There’s plenty of spoken word and performance art shit on here, too. Think Ron Athey is too out there? Give this a shot, badass.

Ed’s one and only (for the time being) solo set, The Ed Album might have been recorded for the same reason both Pudtug releases saw the light of day. And that reason was celebration. Celebration of the fact that it was Chris’ birthday. But no one’s certain, least of all the Ed.

Sure, all of the other Purple Puke Music releases were laid down for the same reason (that reason being celebration), but these three in particular (Ed’s solo joint and both Pudtug nuggets) were meant to signify something. Namely, birthdays, graduations, and post-op affirmations of the transexual lifestyle (well, maybe not that last one). Pudtug threw it around for Ian’s graduation; Pudtug, Too! threw down for the Ed’s; and the Ed himself threw up for Husky’s b-day.

But let the Ed drop some science on you:

I did the solo album around 1991; It took about, oh, I guess three weeks to do (I’m totally flubbing this... the material probably germinated for the better part of 20 years, and the actual recording probably took all of 20 minutes, except for the fart sequence).

The solo album that the Ed put on wax over the course of a few months during the year of our gourd 1991 is a disturbing journey into a mind lush with torpor, homosexual anxiety, and things that give the Ed gas (i.e., wheat thins).

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The F.d. Demo
In the beginning, there was lo-fi.

There were only a few of ’em. Sessions, that is. Back then, in the late ’80s, “studios” consisted of bedrooms, turntables, and boomboxes. Ah, the good ol’ days! The F.d. Demo was the one and only — the friction that lights a match, the cracked eggs that make an omlette, the Thunderbird booze in a homeless bum’s bloodstream.

The first recording took place in Chris’ bedroom, sometime during the month of January in 1989. With his Fender Gemini I acoustic guitar in hand, a bundle of records (Slayer, Public Enemy, and the Police among them), and a little Hitachi cassette radio, he spit up 30 minutes’ worth (or thereabouts) of that patented F.d. sound.

The F.d. Demo was an amazingly crazy idea that somehow catapulted the band into the weird atmosphere known as Purple Puke Music. Chris decided to take things grass-roots and acutely illustrated a talent for losing one’s mind. “Mom Ate the Dog” is fairly straightforward; just a little ditty about a dog eaten by the matriarch of the family. As for the rest, make up your own mind. Chris did.

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Chris Gets Married
Hip-hop stylings, squirrel squawks, and samples of Beck, Metallica, and Jane’s Addiction converge to form a new sound sensation, brought to you by Purple Puke Music’s very own supergroup, Krazy Krem’s Funky Kryme (KKFK).

This first single release from KKFK is a homage of sorts to the then-impending marriage of Chris, the guy whose penis is named Steve. Over a pulsating Beastie Boys sample that anchors the song, Krazy Krem spews lyrical snippets worthy of Flavor Flav. In fact, each and every sample and lyric found within the tune correspond to an actual occurence in Chris’ life. Exactly how they do so, well... No one’s at liberty to say at the moment, but rest assured — gay sex is involved.

But wait! There’s more!

Yes, this release features some very special bonus material, in the form of extra tracks!

The reason for this added bonus (well, bonuses really) is simple: The tape Lars used at Root Cellar Studios for the final mix of “Chris Gets Married” was actually an infamous dub of numerous Meatmen ditties that a one Henry Domenici gave to Krazy Krem many moons ago. (Historical note: Henry was this crazy guy from Jersey who attended school with KK.)

The above selections are from a couple of Meatmen albums, namely, We’re the Meatmen and You Still Suck!!! and, it is believed, Stud Powercock. But that’s as far as the PPM research department was allowed to go.

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Malachy, Ph.D. (Dr. Mal)
The KKFK strikes again.

The Purple Puke Music (PPM) supergroup defied the sophomore jinx. This time around, however, the supergroup had significantly fewer members. In fact, Krazy Krem himself is the sole Funky Krymer on this track. Yes, he alone wrote, composed, and performed the single, “Malachy Ph.D. (Dr. Mal)” — a tribute to Ian’s boss, who was receiving his doctorate degree and, it should be noted, is someone entirely outside of the PPM universe — How dare he, right?

Krem and his Kryme have, at least, evolved musically. KK has (since his last smash, “Chris Gets Married”) equipped himself with some nifty new toys, namely, a fun little box of sounds — Boss’ Dr. Rhythm drum machine — and a full-fledged synthesizer, a Korg N1. Both of which are fully capable of making everything PPM has thus far purchased and recorded obsolete and pointless.

And with these new objets d’art, the Krem has sculpted a fine little ditty in “Malachy, Ph.D.,” which hums with danceable drum tracks and tuneful snippets of various keyboard sounds.

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We’re Föetal Demise... And We Suck!
The first electrified group effort.

Real instruments, real songs, real bad...

All right, it wasn’t that bad, but suffice it to say that F.d. were musical virgins getting their cherries royally popped.

While the album starts off on a high note with “This Is Föetal Demise” (whose vocal harmony is shamelessly appropriated from They Might Be Giants’ “Theme From Flood”), a barrage of good and bad awaits the listener soon after. Still, Ian’s impressive acoustic guitar work on “I’m a Schizophrenic (I Got the Psychology Blues)” is worth the wait.

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Chris Woods Is 30
Another slammin’ tribute to Chris.

Krazy Krem’s Funky Kryme (KKFK) busts out a second nod to the Purple Puke Music mainstay. Directly influenced by trailer-park-and-Budweiser rapper Kid Rock, “Chris Woods Is 30” runs down some choice moments in Chris’ life. The tune also features — as all good rap/rock songs do — MD Clara, a KKFK regular who says “bawitaba” at least 14,000 times during the course of this track.

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Woods Bros. Magical Jump-Jive Revue
Who would have thought homework could be so much fun? Certainly not the Woods Bros.

A long time ago, perhaps sometime during the early ’80s, an ambitious melding of two art forms took place, forming a powerful entity known as “Rock ’n’ Reading.” The story: Matt is writing a book report on the Titantic. He turns to his brother, Chris, for assistance with the presentation.

The remainder of the release — which exists on an extremely old and battered cassette tape — took place around New Year’s Eve 1985 and features the brothers Woods espousing on a variety of topics, interacting with fellow family members, and wailing each other in the head.

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The First Officially Sanctioned Jam
Albeit far from a benchmark work, The First Officially Sanctioned Jam helped lay the groundwork for the years of insanity — and recordings — that followed. The level of creativity on this release is a wonder to behold: You’ve got three musically clueless individuals who somehow manage to crank out more than 30 minutes of... well, some of it sounds like music. But they did it all without the aid of authentic musical instruments! Yes, there was an acoustic guitar, but c’mon, does it sound as though Chris knew what he was doing? Hardly. In fact, Ian’s channeling of Yes’ Trevor Rabin made Chris’ seven or so months of “professional guitar instruction” up to that point sound like a dog’s fart. And if you’ve ever experienced a dog fart, especially one of Charlie’s, then you know what we’re talking about.

Then there’s that game of one card schmuck that closes the record... That marathon game of one card schmuck that contained some classic moments but went on and on and on...

Really makes you want to listen to it, doesn’t it?

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The Live Double Album
A “live” double album that was recorded during the span of one evening. An evening that had been dedicated to (a) goofing around in a green public space (namely, Crocheron Park in Bayside, N.Y.); (b) buying various edible delights from the local Store 24 (which has since, sadly, turned into a 7-11); (c) returning to Chris’ house to catch Living Colour on Saturday Night Live; and (d) God only knows what else.

It was also, according to legend, the night Matt nearly died. From an Entenmann’s cupcake overdose, mind you.

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Live at Great Adventure
This “live” set was recorded during the good ol’ days (circa 1989), way back when the Purple Puke Music folk were absolutely mad about getting stuff on tape, man. They acted like acid-droppin’ freaks clamoring on and on about some Grateful Dead bootleg that nearly put them face to face with God himself. In other words, zealots. Record-button-happy loons trying to jerk down that authentic, for real vibe, searching for that one dub that would transport them to some zen-like state of bliss...

Or something like that.

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The Suck Sessions
No one knows why these sessions should get separate billing as a release; there’s very little difference between said sessions and the release that subsequently spawned from them (the nearly aluminum seller We’re Föetal Demise... And We Suck!). Apart from hilarious banter among the members of F.d. and the multiple false-starts and aborted run-throughs of songs, there really ain’t much more to mention.

Although, giving it further thought, the engineer, Lars, chose a tape that had already been used to dub the radio-broadcast debut of Yes’ Union record. So, in between the nuggets of F.d.’s Purple Puke Music goodness were snippets of Yes songs, interviews with the band members, and commercials. Not to mention impromptu interviews with F.d. members, conducted by radio’s very own Redbeard (or at least a good facsimile of said air personality).

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Labor Day in Williamstown
Not only is this release — and we use that term as loosely as a crack whore’s panties — a cacophonous ear slaughtering, but it’s also as pointless as Charlie Brown’s head. Some statistics:

• Number of days spent in Williamstown: approximately 4
• Number of participants: about 4 (see skin entry below)
• Number of times Ministry’s Land of Rape and Honey was played: 548
• Amount of skin shed by Alberto as a result of severe sunburn (in pounds): 38
• Most popular activities: drinking (33.3%), exposing one’s genitals (33.3%), listening to Ministry (33.3%), sleeping (0.1%)
• Number of times Alberto tried to fornicate with Chris: 1

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The Spoken Word Album
The listener is treated to four people sitting in Ian’s den — one of whom is consuming some tasty morsels courtesy of his favourite fast-food joint at the time (Jack’s), much to the chagrin of the other three.

What are they doing? Why, they’re practicing the rock-fan ritual: watching music videos. In this case, however, our tapeheads are viewing not only the Pink Floyd classic The Wall but also Metallica’s seminal — and goddamn hysterical — Cliff ’Em All home video release.

This recording is strongly suggested for those of you suffering from insomnia. It will cure your sleep-deprived woes in mere nanoseconds...

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Drunken NYC
Oof. This one’s a real winner. In a nutshell, Drunken NYC (get the pun?!) is more or less The Spoken Word Album — but with booze.

Yes, herein lies more than 90 minutes of knock-down, drag-out, alcohol-soden idiocy. Amazingly, there is some worthwhile bantering every, shit, 20 minutes or so!

Such as: Chris walking by the one and only Michael Musto — gossip columnist for The Village Voice and as gay as the night is long (and this was a long one; specifically Sept. 12, 1992) — as he staggers from one of the many bogus “Famous Ray’s” pizza joints scattered all over the city to Wilson’s, the wood-laden sports bar popular with the late-’80s/early-’90s Purple Puke Music crew.

Another choice moment takes place soon after Chris’ return to the bar, when Ed grabs hold of the hand-held recording device and lets loose. Listen to a man who no longer has full command of his brain. We have, and now the rewind button is broken.